I have decided that in the torrid aftermath of what has been several months of introspective thinking that I don't want to do this anymore.  I don't want to pretend that the past lives on in faint memories or nostalgic, hopeful relationships.  I am starting a new chapter and turning over a new leaf, as they say, and so, pouring over my thoughts through text no longer serves as an adequate means of connection nor resolution. 

Good bye, xanga.  Good bye, past.

- b

My future could land me in four very different places.  I could end up in San Francisco, Santa Clara, Sacramento/Stockton, or Orange County.   It is the uncertainty that is driving me insane.  Bits and pieces of a broken memory keep me wondering, pondering even, over how I may see myself in five years.

Certainty entails reassurance, but it does not suggest that planning has been negged on.  I did not not plan.  I did not however, plan for things to go differently than planned.  I did infact plan, and plan thoroughly, although my plans did not go according to plan. I planned to make future plans.  My future plans depend on current plans, and plans altogether go both directions.  People spend too much time planning.

- b

Currently Reading The Art of War by Sun Tzu - Special Edition By Sun Tzu see related

Unemployed and out of school... nuts.  Now I find myself cleaning my room and packing up boxes.  This is surreal.

If you are in the Dirty-D, gimme a call - there are plenty of celebrations to be had in the days ahead.

- b

I have recently been reminded of my own subtle mortality.  Who am I kidding?  Its been happening a lot more than just recently.  Little things are again working to undo my sense of security and stability.  I thought that I was ready to resume my life in the bay, but did I once again jump the gun?  Some might characterize my behavior over these last few months as post-nostalgic, as someone who was ready to cross my own little "bridge" with a can of gasoline in tow.  But lets not be cliche.  Graduations coming a little too soon for my own clear comfort.  Change sucks.

My aspirations are muddled.  I wonder sometimes if this whole show hasn't been some mistake.  I feel like I have an itch that I can't quite scratch.  There is SOMETHING lingering over me and I can't figure out what it is.  damnit.  I feel like I should be doing something great in my life, and more so, that the time to engage in greatness is NOW.  Three more years of edumukation awaits me, though... a reality that makes me groan. 

Maybe its normalcy.  I am far from normal, but normal to some.  I am far from taboo, but a heretic to others.  I hate angles.  Angles suck.  Fuck angles. 

No one reads this.  I want In n Out.  I want a beer.  A nice German beer.  I want change. I want a tabula rasa. 

- b